Im twenty- something, ex escort, mistress and in search for enrichment a mother of two amazing children and a partner to one of the most loving men i know exist he may not be the most romantic man but he's mine and i love him, I'm divorced and have been for the last two years my ex husband was a women beater and hard work, controlling and undermining. He beat me in too submission mentally and physically made me feel worthless and less than perfect, i was raped and abused by many men through my childhood and my early adulthood but this has made me into the women i am today slightly fucked up but stronger than ever.
I've moved from a small town in neath near swansea in south wales i came from a strange background my mother isn't the most understanding women in the world and i find it hard to communicate with her about anything she's undermining and yet i still try and look for her approval i guess thats what you do when someone doesn't show you a lot of love you seek it and well my father isn't much better I'm one of four children and only one i speak too who is the baby of the family but he's two faced and hard to speak too. I'm clinically depressed and have mental health issues, to say I'm easy going is telling a lie I'm hard work, paranoid and a bit of a mess but I'm working on that, I've started back at a pagan moot its been two whole years too late I've been pagan since i was sixteen which hasn't been easy since i come from a strong jehovah family, yet the act far from it on times.
I dated a married Irish man and even moved to Ireland with him when he split up from his wife "or more to the point she found out about his cheating ways" that lasted a whole eighteen months before i got home sick and decided to come home and realised that he never loved me like he told me he did, he was a womaniser and was just after another name to his little black book, but even now he can't seem to leave me alone always making up rumours about me in spite of me just ignoring him and pretending like it doesn't both me. I was just fourteen when i first meet him, he made me smile, laugh and for a very short time made me feel special and in this cold old crazy life it felt nice, i thought i had strong feelings for him maybe even loved him but love is such a strong word and i realising i didn't it was just a crazy rollercoaster ride he groomed me well and by the time he hinted / suggested sex i was already head over heels with him, He was my first proper consented time and i find it hard to forget it was nothing like i had imagined it would be.
I now live in the welsh valleys near Cardiff with my fiancé and my children, Ive read every book I've been able to get my hands on about paganism and I'm still learning to this day I'm bringing up pagan children but don't misunderstand me if they turn around to me one day and say they want to be of another faith thats alright by me i love them anyway, i don't want to force my faith on my children i do find it hard as my partner isn't pagan and i feel like its harder to teach them when there is only one person doing the work.
I feel like my whole life is missing something these days and i think going back to the moots to meet new people is what i need in my life I'm looking for enrichment and faith, something to believe in, something to get answers from, guidance can be found in the strangest places.
Im sat writing this blog on my living room floor with candles lite music playing hoping that this will help me express myself, help deal with the problems I'm having my last blogsite closed down and i decided to take a break from blogging now I'm back and ready to start again.
In this blog i will write about my life as i overcome my illness and my search for faith my past and my present keep eyes on this page.....
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