One of the hardest things we in the modern day world of technological people are finding it hard to deal with is the reality, we all do it sit around browsing Facebook, twitter or eBay thinking of something quirky or witty to post or the next materialistic thing to buy i know i do it too, we forget to talk to one in other in person to hold hands and to watch life instead of having to record every single detail of it on our mobile phones or waste money on the next big thing we forgot we needed, i hear so many voices in my head that i forget what reality really sounds like sometimes i pray for an end to all, to stop the voices, i pray the goddess would end the pain i feel everyday I've never told anyone that because i know it would hurt certain people in my life if they knew that everyday i pray for an end to my life.....
Money is the root of all evil and I'm lucky i don't have any so i appreciate the things i have a little more than i used to, being an ex escort has taught me that money comes and goes but it still doesn't make you happy. I do in some aspects treat money in a laid back sort of way i don't care so much about it and when its gone its gone which pisses my partner off no end but its just the way i look at it, i try and live life to the fullest taking as many opportunities as possible but i find it had with my anxiety.
I have so many questions that need answering in my life right now i wonder where my life would be if i had stayed with my husband and not had a year affair with my now partner i know its sounds bad but the situation in my home life wasn't the best either, He became abusive very quickly and he lied to me when he said i will get us back to where we were before the abuse the facts are he just got worse with the promise of normality. He cheated on me so many times i can't count them on one hand anymore i never believed him when he told me he loved me yet the tears got me every time i felt like i deserved the way i was treated, i thought that if this was love i didn't want it anymore but i was too scared to leave i had no support as such, no where to hide when the blows got too much when trying not to scream out in pain for the sake of my child up stairs was no longer an option.
When make up wouldn't hide the black eyes and the tears rolled down my face more freely when the lights are off and the house is asleep, i didn't want my son to see the things i saw when i was younger to feel the pain i felt when i was a child yet i failed because he saw just as much as i did. Feeling like a punch bag was a necessity to life, realising that fairy tales don't exist but still craving a fairy tale ending. Then you finally find the man of your dreams but your married and so was he thinking that he would never leave and i would always be the mistress and never the miss but then he left and my world changed forever!
I wonder how such a caring man like my partner could love me of all people i can be so insensitive, i have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that are going on in my life sometimes i drink too much to get rid of my problems, sometimes i test his trust sometimes I'm hard to love i couldn't do it if the shoe was on the other foot i don't know how he does what he does for me, i don't deserve his love but I'm glad that he does love me.
I find it hard to love i know that sounds rather odd but it doesn't come easy for me i think i may have lacked it in my life but i try so hard to show him my love, make him feel loved, safe and happy because i know what its like to not feel all of the above but of all those things the worst is to feel unwanted, he supports me in a way i could never do, i wish i had the guts to ask him what he would be doing if he had never heard my name? would he be happy in his marriage, would he still be wanting a women like me?
I've never cried in front of people i put up this heartless persona which in some ways was true in others not so much, but lately I'm a wreak all i do is cry when I'm on my own I'm not scared to show my partner but i try not to cry as much as i feel i need too, i won't to stay strong in body because mentally I'm broken and lost, i don't know who i am or who i want to be i don't know how to feel, i just want to curl up in a ball and wait for the voices to devour me.
I laid in the bath the other night and something caught my eye on my thigh it was a scar just a little one and i realised that I'm blessed to be out of my past and in the present i had a flash back and the cracking sound from the belt that whipped me till i couldn't stand it anymore till i cried and begged for it to stop, how i felt the blood flowing from my back and legs made me shiver so i slopped down the bath and tried to wash away the pain i felt building up inside me, i try so hard for the past to stay there but sometimes i dream about it or something will just give me flash backs and i can't help but zone out into my on little world and think about it. Which happens more times than i like to say i get asked sometimes whats going through my mind but the past still hurts me its like i cannot run away from it I'm seeing a physiologist and I'm dreading talking about my past i don't want to talk about i just can't i don't think i will be able to control my feelings, to hold back the tears its on thing to have lived it but its another thing to say the words out loud to someone i don't even know its hard enough to say these things to the man i love.
In my faith they say you should forgive your enemies to love everyone unconditionally i tried and i forgive the person i never thought i could and needless to say it hasn't really helped how i feel or my nightmares its all still there. I believe the gods put me into those situations to appreciate the things i have now to make me love harder but i just don't know how to yet, the gods gave me my partner for the ups and downs god i need him more than i can ever tell him, they gave me him for the days i doubt myself and for the days when i have lost my way, on my own i am only half of who i should be i can't do without him i just wish i could confide in him the darkest parts of me i know how he wants to know, whats going on in my mind, i know he would understand but i just can't speak about them i don't know how to put things in to contents i can't find the words.
Dear goddess please help me find peace in my life, please help me discover who i am again, please help me rid my mind of these voices without the obvious and easiest solution i don't want to die yet i welcome it all at the sometime how is that normal? I've never been a very carefree type of person I've always had my mental health issues for as long as i remember I've always been depressed but i suppose a lot of that was to do with being raped at a young age and the problems associated to that, but when i was younger the voices were my escape they helped me get through things as well as making me depressed they weren't all bad i suppose but now i cannot find my way through this great depression its as though its taking over my life like great waves on a rocky beach.
I sometimes imagine what it would be like to actually be able to die but I just can't seem to get it right i know i have things to live for but the pros out weigh the good at the moment i have children but i feel like I'm not doing the best job i can i guess when you have so many negatives in your life its hard to see a greater picture id love to move away to Canada somewhere far from this place but in reality i know only dealing with my problems head on will help ease me i cannot run away from this problem which is a shame i wish life was that simple.
Where i live there are mountains everywhere its very tranquil i want to be dropped off in the middle of the woods take a blanket and meditate for awhile get my thoughts in order, relax and think where my life is going from here now that I'm getting back into my faith i think will soon once the weather cheers up bit as in wales the weather is horrid. Im trying to think positive and hold my head up as from today as every storm runs out of rain, we all have thorns and mine are hidden and i want to try and embrace my negatives i want to turn my negative energies into positives and i will i know i will it will just take time. Soon i want to be able to love like crazy and over use i love you and i think I'm getting there i think life is about hard work, love and to never let your mind get to busy to pray and give thanks.
Blessed be ....
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