My partners has gone off to a stag do this weekend so its just me and the children doing pagan learning me and the children are making dream pillows and wand collecting today well weather depending obviously and reading pagan folk tales, i miss him so much we argue and fight but he absolutely knows me better than i know myself, no one knows how to make me feel so good even through everyone said we wouldn't last, despite everything sometimes i start to feel like they were right and love has died but. there you go again pulling me right back in and making feel like a kid, make me giggle over the simplest of things give me that cheeky grin and my life is back on track.
There is only one thing that is missing from our relationship and thats SEX it seems like forever since its happened and i don't mean a few days or weeks i mean well over a year but hey ho who's counting and its been so hard i know sex isn't everything don't get me wrong i know he's been in pain with his back "chronic back pain" the insomnia, the early mornings and the early nights but its been months since he's even touched me sexually and I'm starting to crawl the walls. Im getting irritable over the simpliest of things and I'm sure he really doesn't understand why I'm so crabby i try not to show him its bothering me as much as it is because i know he feels guilty otherwise about not giving me what i need but this is getting beyond, i mean there is only so much porn a women can watch before it starts to get boring before you start feeling as If your unattractive and i know he wouldn't want me feeling like this but i do. I want another baby just one more child but that will never happen if i
A) Don't lose this weight
B) Don't actually have sex in which to make a baby in the first place!!
Im not sure if its my insecurities that i hold about myself that i feel so unattractive and paranoid that he's sleeping with other women behind my back no wait thats defiantly my insecurities and the voices in my life which i hate so much i don't want to have these thoughts and feelings and i know i get ratty over the voices telling me he's cheating on me and i don't mean to, i know he loves me and he wouldn't do that to me but hey thats just my life and no amount of medication is helping with that.
I look back at photos and I'm nothing like i was I've put on so much weight yet losing it is just a path that seems so far away I'm unmotivated and i know i need to start to pick myself up and look after myself more. My hair is constantly unkept and messy and I'm hoping i can pick myself up and get myself to the hair dressers as i look like a wild women, but its a catch twenty two when your feeling so low and your partner doesn't make you feel sexy and wanting to pick yourself up but so unmotivated.
When me and my parter split up over two years ago he did something he never does he wrapped his arms around my waist and we danced in the living room i miss that day i miss him showing me love instead of what feels like a constant battle of witts. He seems to find the time to list the jobs that needs doing and i know I'm no domestic goddess but all i want from him is to come in and wrap those arms around me now and again while doing the dishes or tidying to kiss me and tell me he loves me without being prompted. Ive always known that he was never going to be the hopeless romantic type of guy and i love him anyway and a part of my heart will always be his but i just wish he wore his heart on his sleeve more, i know he loves me he has his ways of showing me like texting me out of the blue while he's out to check up on me or when he knows I'm down and he buys me a big tub of ice cream and we sit and eat ice cream together while watching a movie "don't get me wrong i know where my weight comes from and eating ice cream isn't going to help but remember i said my motivation just isn't there despite the great depression".
I love my future husband he's the one for me i know and the day he purposed was so sweet it was last christmas at my mothers house he got down on one knee and asked me i was in shock and my heart melted and for a few moments it hadn't even registered in my brain i was silent but i said yes apart from having my children that was one of the happiest moments up to date. Its true what they say you only know how much you love someone when you no longer have them i can't say for him but i felt that i realised just how much i missed and loved him how much i needed him my whole world spiralled out of my control i couldn't even walk my son to the school bus which was literally around the corner from my house in neath, Its funny that until we spilt up i never realised how much i loved the sound of his name being mentioned.
I cannot wait to start wedding planning I'm so excited, i don't want anything fancy i know i put all the fancy stuff down in my pin interest and crap but id be happy at a registry office and a meal afterwards as long as id be marrying my best friend.
Deep down I'm tormented inside but I'm happy with what some people would think is a boring normal life but this is my first taste of normality and I'm loving it, life only goes up from here.....
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