LIFE AMAZES ME ....

The world amazes me in all the years I've been around i have thought I've been though so much nothing will amaze me but i was wrong...

Michael has been so loving lately and i must admit I'm loving it so much he's been cuddly and sweet which makes him even more sexier to me. When he's like this it makes me feel special and makes me want to do things it picks me up from the slump that I'm currently in and he doesn't need to bitch and moan as much because when I'm feeling good I'm wanting to make an effort with things in general. I have so much i want to blog about but I'm not sure how i want this blog to go i could blog about mine and Jasons sexual encounter the other night which was amazing by the way wasn't sex but it was still passionate and amazing but I'm not sure i want to share such intimate details with the world again i don't want it to be a sex blog again i don't think.

At the same time i don't want my blog to get to boring, anyway were off to north wales tomorrow to see Jasons family I'm looking forward to seeing them its been a year and i must admit I've missed them they are stars so caring and loving i must admit i prefer them over my family any day.

There the type of family you'd be proud to introduce to people unlike mine where i wish i could just hide them away there so embarrassing and not on a normal scare i mean I'm sure they go out of there was to embarrass me its terrible.

Ive been having problems via the dog for months now he's been tolieting in the house and its getting beyond a joke he now sleeps in the kitchen but he's even doing it in there granted not as much as he was doing it out on the carpet but still he just doesn't come up and ask to go out anymore i take him for walks or let him out regularly and he comes in and toilets in the house I'm at my wits end with it all and his aggressive behaviour towards other dogs are getting worse, I've tried everything from self help books to trainers and behaviourists and nothing no one can get any idea whats wrong with him as he's so unpredictable you don't know when he will strike and when he won't.

As for life lets just say its looking up although the voices are playing up of late my head is spinning with it and my concentration is far from where it should be which is a shame as i was doing so well but as Jason would say there is always going to be ups and downs, highs and lows. But its so frustrating i just want to be normal i don't always wanna take medication to get me through the day but it looks like thats just whats going to be like at the moment i can't seem to shift my blues, the voices are back to telling me to do stupid things like cutting myself thoughts i don't want to think this way I'm worried incase i do go through with it like before i don't want my children to see anymore of that but its so hard not to listen to them i know it sounds strange but it really takes a lot not to listen and do these things.

I'm hoping our trip tomorrow will help lift my spirits bit that would be nice and i might be able to take my mind off all this shit in my head and on that note it is time for me to go to bed

Good night bloggers and sweet dreams

Blessed be ......

WHY ME ......

Ive read that Cardiff moot are meeting up on the eighth of august I'm gutted as I'm away then but i am looking forward to camping as its time to just chill and spend it as a family which we all need and were going with friends which should be fun but I'm also worried about spending so long in contact with other people I'm not a very social person at the best of times i really have to put effort into it i like them i just hope all goes well never been on holidays with friends before. Were off to gowerton campsite and there bringing there two children who are lovely really looking forward to the children having friends to play with and you never know if it all goes well then we can do it again.

I finally managed to upload pictures of my darling fur babies!!!

 mittens

Duchess

Bailey

Oh i have spent the whole day today cuddled up with my man he was so sweet in his way cuddled me up in his arms kissed me and told me he loved me oh god something about his arms around me that makes him so sexy that or I'm just so sexually frustrated that any sort of touch is turning me on its horrible when there is no release.

He left for band tonight and I've just put the children up to bed and read them stories and sang them songs so hopefully ill have the night to myself until around ten when he gets home. The voices are on a roll tonight saying some of the most hurtful of things saying the reason why Jason "My man" hasn't let with me for over a year is because he's getting it somewhere else and i can't help but believe them which hurts i know he loves me and wouldn't do that but it does make you wonder either that or he just doesn't find me attractive anymore and the voices are just not stopping tonight yay me...

DAY DREAMING ....

Well the stag do weekender went well all the boys had a great time so I'm happy, they all enjoyed my partner has been showing me pictures of the night and they made me giggle it even got us talking about our wedding day and how he doesn't want a stag do but i don't see him getting away with that if his friends have anything to do with it, he's admit about it apparently he didn't have one last time and this time will be no different well see is all i can say.

I've been thinking about going half way between mine and my partners parents so that its fair and his folks won't have to far to travel down for the wedding and maybe go for dinner after the ceremony and a have a couple of drinks to celebrate but the only problem with that is there wouldn't be many friends about but we did say we wanted a small wedding so maybe thats not such a bad idea although i don't know how my mother would react to having to travel up to north wales or at least half way to go to the wedding she hates traveling or more to the point she hates having to make an effort for me but then again i don't think it would bother me if she didn't come to my wedding as she will only embarrass me in some way I'm dreading it in reality, I look up at my man on the dinning table while we chatted and had our dinner with the children and i realise just how sexy he is too me I'm so happy and lucky to have him.

Children went up to bed at seven thirty, its hard work being a mum to a seven and four year old but i enjoy every second of my time with them they make me smile they make me cry but most importantly they make me laugh, its something about the way my children look up to me hug me an tell me they love me i can't describe the feeling i have when i hear those words it means a lot to me it shows me that I'm doing something right in my life, Im praying i won't be up until four am tonight i need my sleep but I'm lucky was my partner is home and i always sleep much better when he's home and in bed with me.

Ive just fed both cats which was a chore in itself i put the food out in the bowls and mittens jumped up and knocked the food all over my living room carpet "they both get fed on there huge cat tree which is also cream the worst colour for two black boisterous kittens" there coming up to five months its crazy i found them in a black rucksack behind the train station while out walking my dog they were two out of seven kittens all died from dehydration i was so upset i worked hard for days trying to save them but i have these two now and I'm landed i managed to safe them at least i will have to figure out how to post a picture of all the animals for you soon.

I promised myself this blog would be kept a secret i won't trust anyone with it because that backed fired on me last time and i ended up having to delete years worth of work because some boy "ex" run his mouth about it and people i knew started reading all my thoughts and feelings, found out about my escorting and all i got up too and of course its how i met my partner and i wrote all about our first meeting everything it had my whole life on there so having to get rid of it hurt but the blog site closed down not long after so it must have been fate.

I spoke to my mum today and she was surprisingly nice to me and actually asked how i was when i said I'm doing better than i have been she ignored me hey ho at least she tried to be a little interested, the call didn't last long as i was making the children breakfast this morning and I've now lost my mobile phone around my house where still moving in so there is a lot of boxes and junk around the place which is a pain for trying to find anything, anywhere in this house.

I sometimes day dream what it would be like to move away from wales somewhere exciting just picking up and move away, i wonder who would miss me?, i wonder if id ever truly have the guts to  truly do it but i suppose having children is the biggest issues i don't want to mess up the schooling and things which is a shame i imagine sitting in a coffee shop far away from here where it snows and the snow is knee high deep making snow angels with my children, living in a wooden farm house having animals everywhere ahh the day dreaming. But i think seriously though if i had the option of having a life like that id take it but opportunities like that don't come round everyday and i have to think of the children if i was a single id have moved have a dozen times already id have been traveling around the place as i always did enjoying each place for a few months before heading back to little old neath i have no idea why i kept going back to neath but i did.

If someone would have said id have picked up my things and moved my children to the Cardiff Vally i would have just laughed at you but here i am and for once i can say I'm a lot more care free these days I'm not looking over my shoulder hoping not to bump into anyone i know, not worrying about weather people are talking about weather they have heard the latest rumours its nice, but the down side to picking up and moving where no one knows you is that you don't have many friends and that a blessing and pardon all at the same time. I do miss having girlie shopping trips and salon days and cinema trips but i guess id not have money to do those things anymore either so hey ho. Ive got two friends up here so far and there both very different in many ways, but both lovely in there own right you have lets call here kelly for purposes of this blog kelly is mad and loud and likes a drink and normally leads me astray to the point where I'm throwing up which is a picture i just don't know how she can drink so much and still be fine gut of steal obviously i remember the days i could drink grown men under the tables and be proud of that now I'm proud I'm a lightweight its cheaper in the long run she has three children all a bit loud and wild but loving in there own right, We talk about absolute bullocks.

Then you have lets call her Miranda she's quieter and has a lovely little boy well most of the time anyway but thats children for you in many ways isn't it, we can chat most of the day away and it not get boring drinking coffee like its going out of fashion and talk clothes and shopping the usual girly stuff which is nice but she works a full time job and trying to meet up is a bit of a pain where as me and Kelly don't work so there is always time for drinks and a natter don't get me wrong i want to work but trying to get over the voices and my anxiety is hard and stops me from working i know everyones heard the same lot of excuses but hey i know what its like living with it.

Well thats me done i'll try and wrote another one tomorrow

blessed be .....

SEX, LOVE AND LACK OF MOTIVATION....

My partners has gone off to a stag do this weekend so its just me and the children doing pagan learning me and the children are making dream pillows and wand collecting today well weather depending obviously and reading pagan folk tales, i miss him so much we argue and fight but he absolutely knows me better than i know myself, no one knows how to make me feel so good even through everyone said we wouldn't last, despite everything sometimes i start to feel like they were right and love has died but. there you go again pulling me right back in and making feel like a kid, make me giggle over the simplest of things give me that cheeky grin and my life is back on track.

There is only one thing that is missing from our relationship and thats SEX it seems like forever since its happened and i don't mean a few days or weeks i mean well over a year but hey ho who's counting  and its been so hard i know sex isn't everything don't get me wrong i know he's been in pain with his back "chronic back pain"  the insomnia, the early mornings and the early nights but its been months since he's even touched me sexually and I'm starting to crawl the walls. Im getting irritable over the simpliest of things and I'm sure he really doesn't understand why I'm so crabby i try not to show him its bothering me as much as it is because i know he feels guilty otherwise about not giving me what i need but this is getting beyond, i mean there is only so much porn a women can watch before it starts to get boring before you start feeling as If your unattractive and i know he wouldn't want me feeling like this but i do. I want another baby just one more child but that will never happen if i

A) Don't lose this weight
B) Don't actually have sex in which to make a baby in the first place!!

Im not sure if its my insecurities that i hold about myself that i feel so unattractive and paranoid that  he's sleeping with other women behind my back no wait thats defiantly my insecurities and the voices in my life which i hate so much i don't want to have these thoughts and feelings and i know i get ratty over the voices telling me he's cheating on me and i don't mean to, i know he loves me and he wouldn't do that to me but hey thats just my life and no amount of medication is helping with that.

I look back at photos and I'm nothing like i was I've put on so much weight yet losing it is just a path that seems so far away I'm unmotivated and i know i need to start to pick myself up and look after myself more. My hair is constantly unkept and messy and I'm hoping i can pick myself up and get myself to the hair dressers as i look like a wild women, but its a catch twenty two when your feeling so low and your partner doesn't make you feel sexy and wanting to pick yourself up but so unmotivated.

When me and my parter split up over two years ago he did something he never does he wrapped his arms around my waist and we danced in the living room i miss that day i miss him showing me love instead of what feels like a constant battle of witts. He seems to find the time to list the jobs that needs doing and i know I'm no domestic goddess but all i want from him is to come in and wrap those arms around me now and again while doing the dishes or tidying to kiss me and tell me he loves me without being prompted.  Ive always known that he was never going to be the hopeless romantic type of guy and i love him anyway and a part of my heart will always be his but i just wish he wore his heart on his sleeve more, i know he loves me he has his ways of showing me like texting me out of the blue while he's out to check up on me or when he knows I'm down and he buys me a big tub of ice cream and we sit and eat ice cream together while watching a movie "don't get me wrong i know where my weight comes from and eating ice cream isn't going to help but remember i said my motivation just isn't there despite the great depression".

I love my future husband he's the one for me i know and the day he purposed was so sweet it was last christmas at my mothers house he got down on one knee and asked me i was in shock and my heart melted and for a few moments it hadn't even registered in my brain i was silent but i said yes apart from having my children that was one of the happiest moments up to date. Its true what they say you only know how much you love someone when you no longer have them i can't say for him but i felt that i realised just how much i missed and loved him how much i needed him my whole world spiralled out of my control i couldn't even walk my son to the school bus which was literally around the corner from my house in neath, Its funny that until we spilt up i never realised how much i loved the sound of his name being mentioned.

I cannot wait to start wedding planning I'm so excited, i don't want anything fancy i know i put all the fancy stuff down in my pin interest and crap but id be happy at a registry office and a meal afterwards as long as id be marrying my best friend.

Deep down I'm tormented inside but I'm happy with what some people would think is a boring normal life but this is my first taste of normality and I'm loving it, life only goes up from here.....

WE ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE ....

Im twenty-  something, ex escort, mistress and in search for enrichment a mother of two amazing children and a partner to one of the most loving men i know exist he may not be the most romantic man but he's mine and i love him, I'm divorced and have been for the last two years my ex husband was a women beater and hard work, controlling and undermining. He beat me in too submission mentally and physically made me feel worthless and less than perfect, i was raped and abused by many men through my childhood and my early adulthood but this has made me into the women i am today slightly fucked up but stronger than ever.

I've moved from a small town in neath near swansea in south wales i came from a strange background my mother isn't the most understanding women in the world and i find it hard to communicate with her about anything she's undermining and yet i still try and look for her approval i guess thats what you do when someone doesn't show you a lot of love you seek it and well my father isn't much better I'm one of four children and only one i speak too who is the baby of the family but he's two faced and hard to speak too. I'm clinically depressed and have mental health issues, to say I'm easy going is telling a lie I'm hard work, paranoid and a bit of a mess but I'm working on that, I've started back at a pagan moot its been two whole years too late I've been pagan since i was sixteen which hasn't been easy since i come from a strong jehovah family, yet the act far from it on times.

I dated a married Irish man and even moved to Ireland with him when he split up from his wife "or more to the point she found out about his cheating ways" that lasted a whole eighteen months before i got home sick and decided to come  home and realised that he never loved me like he told me he did, he was a womaniser and was just after another name to his little black book, but even now he can't seem to leave me alone always making up rumours about me in spite of me just ignoring him and pretending like it doesn't both me. I was just fourteen when i first meet him, he made me smile, laugh and for a very short time made me feel special and in this cold old crazy life it felt nice, i thought i had strong feelings for him maybe even loved him but love is such a strong word and i realising i didn't it was just a crazy rollercoaster ride he groomed me well and by the time he hinted / suggested sex i was already head over heels with him, He was my first proper consented time and i find it hard to forget it was nothing like i had imagined it would be.

I now live in the welsh valleys near Cardiff with my fiancé and my children, Ive read every book I've been able to get my hands on about paganism and I'm still learning to this day I'm bringing up pagan children but don't misunderstand me if they turn around to me one day and say they want to be of another faith thats alright by me i love them anyway, i don't want to force my faith on my children i do find it hard as my partner isn't pagan and i feel like its harder to teach them when there is only one person doing the work.

I feel like my whole life is missing something these days and i think going back to the moots to meet new people is what i need in my life I'm looking for enrichment and faith, something to believe in, something to get answers from, guidance can be found in the strangest places.

Im sat writing this blog on my living room floor with candles lite music playing hoping that this will help me express myself, help deal with the problems I'm having my last blogsite closed down and i decided to take a break from blogging now I'm back and ready to start again.

In this blog i will write about my life as i overcome my illness and my search for faith my past and my present keep eyes on this page.....

THE CRACKING OF A WHIP .......

One of the hardest things we in the modern day world of technological people are finding it hard to deal with is the reality, we all do it sit around browsing Facebook, twitter or eBay thinking of something quirky or witty to post or the next materialistic thing to buy i know i do it too, we forget to talk to one in other in person to hold hands and to watch life instead of having to record every single detail of it on our mobile phones or waste money on the next big thing we forgot we needed, i hear so many voices in my head that i forget what reality really sounds like sometimes i pray for an end to all, to stop the voices, i pray the goddess would end the pain i feel everyday I've never told anyone that because i know it would hurt certain people in my life if they knew that everyday i pray for an end to my life.....

Money is the root of all evil and I'm lucky i don't have any so i appreciate the things i have a little more than i used to, being an ex escort has taught me that money comes and goes but it still doesn't make you happy. I do in some aspects treat money in a laid back sort of way i don't care so much about it and when its gone its gone which pisses my partner off no end but its just the way i look at it, i try and live life to the fullest taking as many opportunities as possible but i find it had with my anxiety.

I have so many questions that need answering in my life right now i wonder where my life would be if i had stayed with my husband and not had a year affair with my now partner i know its sounds bad but the situation in my home life wasn't the best either, He became abusive very quickly and he lied to me when he said i will get us back to where we were before the abuse the facts are he just got worse with the promise of normality. He cheated on me so many times i can't count them on one hand anymore i never believed him when he told me he loved me yet the tears got me every time i felt like i deserved the way i was treated, i thought that if this was love i didn't want it anymore but i was too scared to leave i had no support as such, no where to hide when the blows got too much when trying not to scream out in pain for the sake of my child up stairs was no longer an option.

When make up wouldn't hide the black eyes and the tears rolled down my face more freely when the lights are off and the house is asleep, i didn't want my son to see the things i saw when i was younger to feel the pain i felt when i was a child yet i failed because he saw just as much as i did. Feeling like a punch bag was a necessity to life, realising that fairy tales don't exist but still craving a fairy tale ending. Then you finally find the man of your dreams but your married and so was he thinking that he would never leave and i would always be the mistress and never the miss but then he left and my world changed forever!

I wonder how such a caring man like my partner could love me of all people i can be so insensitive, i have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that are going on in my life sometimes i drink too much to get rid of my problems, sometimes i test his trust sometimes I'm hard to love i couldn't do it if the shoe was on the other foot i don't know how he does what he does for me, i don't deserve his love but I'm glad that he does love me.

I find it hard to love i know that sounds rather odd but it doesn't come easy for me i think i may have lacked it in my life but i try so hard to show him my love, make him feel loved, safe and happy because i know what its like to not feel all of the above but of all those things the worst is to feel unwanted, he supports me in a way i could never do, i wish i had the guts to ask him what he would be doing if he had never heard my name? would he be happy in his marriage, would he still be wanting a women like me?

I've never cried in front of people i put up this heartless persona which in some ways was true in others not so much, but lately I'm a wreak all i do is cry when I'm on my own I'm not scared to show my partner but i try not to cry as much as i feel i need too, i won't to stay strong in body because  mentally I'm broken and lost, i don't know who i am or who i want to be i don't know how to feel, i just want to curl up in a ball and wait for the voices to devour me.

I laid in the bath the other night and something caught my eye on my thigh it was a scar just a little one and i realised that I'm blessed to be out of my past and in the present i had a flash back and the cracking sound from the belt that whipped me till i couldn't stand it anymore till i cried and begged for it to stop, how i felt the blood flowing from my back and legs made me shiver so i slopped down the bath and tried to wash away the pain i felt building up inside me, i try so hard for the past to stay there but sometimes i dream about it or something will just give me flash backs and i can't help but zone out into my on little world and think about it. Which happens more times than i like to say i get asked sometimes whats going through my mind but the past still hurts me its like i cannot run away from it I'm seeing a physiologist and I'm dreading talking about my past i don't want to talk about i just can't i don't think i will be able to control my feelings, to hold back the tears its on thing to have lived it but its another thing to say the words out loud to someone i don't even know its hard enough to say these things to the man i love.


In my faith they say you should forgive your enemies to love everyone unconditionally i tried and i forgive the person i never thought i could and needless to say it hasn't really helped how i feel or my nightmares its all still there. I believe the gods put me into those situations to appreciate the things i have now to make me love harder but i just don't know how to yet, the gods gave me my partner for the ups and downs god i need him more than i can ever tell him, they gave me him for the days i doubt myself and for the days when i have lost my way, on my own i am only half of who i should be i can't do without him i just wish i could confide in him the darkest parts of me i know how  he wants to know, whats going on in my mind, i know he would understand but i just can't speak about them i don't know how to put things in to contents i can't find the words.

Dear goddess please help me find peace in my life, please help me discover who i am again, please help me rid my mind of these voices without the obvious and easiest solution i don't want to die yet i welcome it all at the sometime how is that normal? I've never been a very carefree type of person I've always had my mental health issues for as long as i remember I've always been depressed but i suppose a lot of that was to do with being raped at a young age and the problems associated to that, but when i was younger the voices were my escape they helped me get through things as well as making me depressed they weren't all bad i suppose but now i cannot find my way through this great depression its as though its taking over my life like great waves on a rocky beach.

I sometimes imagine what it would be like to actually be able to die but I just can't seem to get it right i know i have things to live for but the pros out weigh the good at the moment i have children but i feel like I'm not doing the best job i can i guess when you have so many negatives in your life its hard to see a greater picture id love to move away to Canada somewhere far from this place but in reality i know only dealing with my problems head on will help ease me i cannot run away from this problem which is a shame i wish life was that simple.

Where i live there are mountains everywhere its very tranquil i want to be dropped off in the middle of the woods take a blanket and meditate for awhile get my thoughts in order, relax and think where my life is going from here now that I'm getting back into my faith i think will soon once the weather cheers up bit as in wales the weather is horrid. Im trying to think positive and hold my head up as from today as every storm runs out of rain, we all have thorns and mine are hidden and i want to try and embrace my negatives  i want to turn my negative energies into positives and i will i know i will it will just take time. Soon i want to be able to love like crazy and over use i love you and i think I'm getting there i think life is about hard work, love and to never let your mind get to busy to pray and give thanks.

Blessed be ....