Its been lovely to see Jason’s folks even if it was only for
a night, we relaxed ate good food and just caught up on life. This weekend the
children have been down there real dads and me and Jay got time to ourselves.
Its been wonderful his cuddles feel like he means them, kisses have been
passionate and long and he’s just been so close to me I could get use to this
I’m starting to feel sexy again and its been a long while coming.
We lay in bed till late Sunday night and cuddled and watched
tv the last few weeks he’s been amazing cuddles and proper kisses but two days
again we had sex! I know I’m shocked too! And my god it was worth the wait.
Last night I couldn’t help but wake him up I didn’t know what the time was but
I opened up his boxes and started tugging at his cock and before I knew it he
was awake and it all started all over the again, but then he falls asleep last
night and I’m still up watching tv and the voices in my head tell me to check
his phone and I couldn’t help but pick it up thinking I wouldn’t find anything
so what’s the harm and in directly I didn’t find anything over the top
incriminating.
He says he went to band on Sunday and then I check his phone
look at his messages and find that he went to Sian’s house for dinner know if
he had told me about it I admit I wouldn’t be over the moon but I wouldn’t have
stopped him, id have let him go but he lied to me why its pointless he knows I
always find out in the end. What you have to remember about this was when they
first started chatting a few months ago I found out they were exchanging flirty
messages and I found pictures of his cock on his phone which he admit he sent
to know one after I went berserk I calmed down and let it slide thinking I was
over reacting, so in some ways I can understand why he would be wary of telling
me but I hate it when he lies I find it hard to trust him when he does that its
like we take ten steps backwards and I don’t know what to think.
He knows I find it hard to trust people because of
everything that goes through my head I hate this, I was going to bring it up to
him tonight after dinner but I thought twice about it I don’t want to fight and
he will only be mad about me going through his phone and at the moment I just
don’t have the head for that right now not with the way my head is at the
moment. But that’s not all I also read that he was suppose to go to hers on
Monday to help with a presentation did he go he didn’t call to say he was
coming home until eleven thirty pm instead of the usual ten to ten thirty my
head is going over time right now I’m scared this is the start of something,
I’m scared he’s going to keep telling me one thing and do something else just
to see her how this far? I’m not sure if I’m over reacting but it hurt me deep.
I honestly thought we were over this type of shit were
suppose to be wedding planning after Christmas and now I feel like I cant trust
him great fucking stuff nothing is ever simple in my world but i also don't want to over react and i know if i mention it too him he will just turn the tables and make out I'm over reacting and then i'll feel mad and depressed about it whats a women to do. On another
note, I also tried to cut my fingers off Monday night because the voices told
me too, it frightened me I haven’t tried to do those things in a while I
thought I was stronger than that but I’m not, I’m still as weak as ever,
luckily enough I didn’t do any harm to myself just a few cuts which are now
pretty much gone thank goodness I didn’t want scares to go on my holiday.
I think I should probably leave this as it is now and see
how my head is I need time to process all of this to make sense of it because I
don’t want to go head first into this with him and have a huge disagreement
with him.
Blessed be….
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