I am a manic i know this the doctors have said so i hate it today has been a bit of a difficult on my mind has been in overdrive voices telling me that I'm no good, telling me i shouldn't be here, no one cares that Jason is lying to me why do i have to have all this in my life why can't i just be normal, you know like everybody else??
Jason hates it when i don't tell him how i feel but how do you tell someone you love so much that you hate life MOST of the time that you hate your own company, that you always scared to be left to your own thoughts, i hate it id give anything to be normal anything although i suppose i shouldn't moan to much as my life is a lot better than it used to be being with Jason has saved me in so many ways.
Im still paranoid about Jason and that women Sian i was on about in my later posts I'm scared he's still not going to Monday night band that there is something going on oh why did he lie how should i approach this do i just come out with it and wait for him to lie to me again or would he tell the truth? and i just won't believe him i know what i saw or do i just let my head do what its doing and pretend everything's ok, i just don't know what to do about it all.
Well enough of all my moaning lets talk about something a little lighter, my cats are getting spayed on Monday morning then i just have to sort out there injections which is going to cost me about eighty pounds i suppose thats the price you pay for pets. Oh I'm also sad enough to think i want to buy little cat harness to walk the cats now there going to be mainly indoor cats i mean there is so much wrong with the world for them to be fully out door cars or atlas i think so, so by having the harness they can still go out and explore I'm still contemplating it at the moment though. Jason thinks its a ridiculous idea but I've seen so many people do it these days and i think its a good idea and I've also seen new collars saying "I'm chipped" in a kitten size which is pretty cool i think as duchess needs a new one she's always trying to get out of hers and has succeed more than once and broken her collar little cow.
It would also seem that Bailey boy has flees which means the cats got flees which also means the whole house has them grrr the joys of pet ownership Jason went down to the vets today and made sure to order baileys flee treatment and made sure the cats have theres on Monday while there getting de-sexed, i hate flees my god they take forever to get rid of them I've also started cleaning Jayden's bedroom ready to hopefully start painting tomorrow and then start his sisters bedroom so when they get back from there dad's they can see there brand new trampoline is up in the garden and there bedrooms have been tidied and painted.
No matter how hard i try i feel like my world isn't the same i feel so down i don't know why maybe its the depression kicking in i had a lovely holiday with only a few episodes which is good for me but now its back to normal i wish there was a way i could stay that happy, Jason tries hard and most of the time he can make me laugh and thats what makes me love him but with the issues regarding him and her i can't shake the feeling my heart has sunk what do i do goddess please direct me!!
Oh for fucksake I've gone back to moaning again haven't aye? i didn't want this blog to be down in the dumps but it seems as though this post is going to be one of those so I'm going to end this post now before it gets too upset...
Blessed be ....
No comments:
Post a Comment