BIRTHDAYS AND DRAMA .....

Ive had a fabulous birthday lovely flowers and presents from family and my amazing loving hubby and children they were so proud handing me my presents i had a lovely charm for my charm bracelet i was over the moon and mum surprisingly remembered my birthday and even got me a cake and gifts! although she has gotten better since Jason came on the sign strongly enough.

But it never lasts and the very next day the drama started again and i couldn't wait to go to bed, my mum just always knows the right buttons to press to get on my last nerve and my god she plays it well, its enough to drive someone insane and considering i am insane just doesn't help the situation.

Ive been addicted to Justin Moore at the moment I'm in love with him and my god he's sexy as hell which obviously helps a lot, His new album is amazing I'm in love with "life in the living" which I'm actually listening too right now while i blog this and 'You look like i need a drink".

Oh Jason decided he was going to wash our fabric cat carrier so he stuck it in the washing machine needless to say it was made with part cardboard and it got ruined sad times as it looked lovely for a cat carrier so i need to get a new one before the 12th of next month as thats when they go back to hopefully get desexed they were supposed to have gotten done two weeks ago but they weight to little to get done which was gutted I'm so paranoid that there going to escape and then well end up with kittens. I don't think i could trust myself id want to keep them all which just wouldn't happen as Jason is admit there is no more pets allowed in our house, sad times as i t think we could fit another dog and maybe a bengal cat i can laugh to myself as i know he would kill me.


right anyway I'm off as its getting late and i have to be up in the morning


Blessed be ....

A CATIO ....

Well date night went well got to see the new suicide squad film which was rather funny and then we got food to take home which was nice as my head wasn't the best.

I'm currently laying in the bath because I'm two weeks late on my period and in so much pain I can't describe it and soaking in the bath helps with the cramping pain I'm getting but I'm lucky that I have Jason because he was the one who suggested a soak and he's going to come in and wash my hair I'm so pampered lol

The olympics are good this year I've enjoyed watching the swimming and the box riding it also gives me and Jason something else to talk about which is always good, i can't help my mind wonder but try about colour schemes for the living room at the moment i love the idea of grey on the walls with a nice wall paper on the feature wall but me and Jason cannot seem to agree on anything right now which is a shame i can't wait to get this horrible flowery patterned wallpaper that looks like my two year old has put up and its peeling away from the wall and its driving me insane.

I still haven't managed to get Jayden and Anna's room painted I'm hoping to atlas start it tomorrow i don't know my heads just been all over the place and the amount of time it has taken me to clean Jayden's room has been painfully long children are so messy! two whole days its taken which is unbelievable, I know not all of it was his fault as his sister plays in there two as her room is way too small for Anna to play in bless her. But I'm hoping after a few years of living here we might be in a position to convert the attic which is huge into the master bedroom its a long shot but one i would love to do.

Me and Jason have been on about building a catio ( A catio, or outdoor cat enclosure, by modifying an existing part of ... on to her house …) For out the front garden leading on to the kitchen so that i can still keep the Kittens indoor but have a little area they can roam and be save and i wouldn't have to worry about leaving the kitchen window open and them escaping but this was only a small conversation and he's going to price it up i hope it will be a possibility because i think the kittens would benefit from it.

I have been walking Bailey a lot more its not overly long walks but walks none the less i have to try and get my fitness back up to track so that i can start jogging again and lose some of this weight because the weight is getting me down a lot I'm constantly out of breath which is partly down to my asthma which is playing up because I'm over weight not a good combination i know.

Right this is a very short update i know but hopefully do a longer one in a day or two bye for now

blessed be .....

YES I AM A MANIC ....

I am a manic i know this the doctors have said so i hate it today has been a bit of a difficult on my mind has been in overdrive voices telling me that I'm no good, telling me i shouldn't be here, no one cares that Jason is lying to me why do i have to have all this in my life why can't i just be normal, you know like everybody else??

Jason hates it when i don't tell him how i feel but how do you tell someone you love so much that you hate life MOST of the time that you hate your own company, that you always scared to be left to your own thoughts, i hate it id give anything to be normal anything although i suppose i shouldn't moan to much as my life is a lot better than it used to be being with Jason has saved me in so many ways.

Im still paranoid about Jason and that women Sian i was on about in my later posts I'm scared he's still not going to Monday night band that there is something going on oh why did he lie how should i approach this do i just come out with it and wait for him to lie to me again or would he tell the truth? and i just won't believe him i know what i saw or do i just let my head do what its doing and pretend everything's ok, i just don't know what to do about it all.

Well enough of all my moaning lets talk about something a little lighter, my cats are getting spayed on Monday morning then i just have to sort out there injections which is going to cost me about eighty pounds i suppose thats the price you pay for pets. Oh I'm also sad enough to think i want to buy little cat harness to walk the cats now there going to be mainly indoor cats i mean there is so much wrong with the world for them to be fully out door cars or atlas i think so, so by having the harness they can still go out and explore I'm still contemplating it at the moment though. Jason thinks its a ridiculous idea but I've seen so many people do it these days and i think its a good idea and I've also seen new collars saying "I'm chipped" in a kitten size which is pretty cool i think as duchess needs a new one she's always trying to get out of hers and has succeed more than once and broken her collar little cow.

It would also seem that Bailey boy has flees which means the cats got flees which also means the whole house has them grrr the joys of pet ownership Jason went down to the vets today and made sure to order baileys flee treatment and made sure the cats have theres on Monday while there getting de-sexed, i hate flees my god they take forever to get rid of them I've also started cleaning Jayden's bedroom ready to hopefully start painting tomorrow and then start his sisters bedroom so when they get back from there dad's they can see there brand new trampoline is up in the garden and there bedrooms have been tidied  and painted.

No matter how hard i try i feel like my world isn't the same i feel so down i don't know why maybe its the depression kicking in i had a lovely holiday with only a few episodes which is good for me but now its back to normal i wish there was a way i could stay that happy, Jason tries hard and most of the time he can make me laugh and thats what makes me love him but with the issues regarding him and her i can't shake the feeling my heart has sunk what do i do goddess please direct me!!

Oh for fucksake I've gone back to moaning again haven't aye? i didn't want this blog to be down in the dumps but it seems as though this post is going to be one of those so I'm going to end this post now before it gets too upset...

Blessed be ....

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ......

There is so much in life I didn't understand or agree with it's like when I was younger people went on about love at first sight and i never believed in such things before I had my children but then I had my children given to me for the very first time and that was it love at first fight, I couldn't have been anymore smitten even if I tried.

I have two more nights of my holiday left and I must say I've really enjoyed as I said before I was a little nervous to start off with Ive never really stayed a week With people I don't really know too well because of my condition and the voices in my head I was scared that they would notice but I've actually been really good I think I need the break away from the house.

We have been to the beach, had lovely walks and had bbq's speaking of bbq's were having another one tonight I can't wait I think Jason is cooking steak again on it yum yum yum although I had the most horrible dream last night I was a little girl again I was playing with my toys and then suddenly my aunts boyfriend came over with my aunt and I could feel my stomach turning as if I was in a roller coaster I'm feeling sick and then the adults all swat u o stairs and. Was left with him and he started to demand I sit in his lap and before I knew it He was moving his hand up my dress and I woke up to find I'm still in the tent and everyone's sleeping.

You would think is before all this by now but I'm not I don't know why but it's like it haunts me, always at the back of my mind and like to reappear when I'm having fun and relaxed which sucks ass why can't I just have fun like everyone else and not worry about what My head might do next. It's even worse when I'm visiting my mum she always sets my condition off by being her and I'm always waiting for the next fight to happen there I actually dread going to my mums more than I dread going out in public and that's saying something! Although saying that she was nice enough to give us her old three and two seater sofa's I say give was more like we gave here £100 for the two and then had to pay out for a van to come collect them all before my holiday which was a bit of a pain because money is tight as it is without an extra added cost.

My mum has been trying to message us and ring us since we left to go in this holiday to speak to the children I haven't rung them back because I'm trying to enjoy my holiday with the children as the Sunday we get back there going straight to my mums house to go on holidays for four nights then off to the dads house for a few days so I'm trying to make the most of having them which I don't think she really doesn't understand at all...

Right. Well I'm off for now as I've got loads to do

Blessed be ......

TROUBLE IN PARADICE ....

The last week ive been so busy between visiting my future in-laws and having a relaxing, romantic weekend.

Its been lovely to see Jason’s folks even if it was only for a night, we relaxed ate good food and just caught up on life. This weekend the children have been down there real dads and me and Jay got time to ourselves. Its been wonderful his cuddles feel like he means them, kisses have been passionate and long and he’s just been so close to me I could get use to this I’m starting to feel sexy again and its been a long while coming.

We lay in bed till late Sunday night and cuddled and watched tv the last few weeks he’s been amazing cuddles and proper kisses but two days again we had sex! I know I’m shocked too! And my god it was worth the wait. Last night I couldn’t help but wake him up I didn’t know what the time was but I opened up his boxes and started tugging at his cock and before I knew it he was awake and it all started all over the again, but then he falls asleep last night and I’m still up watching tv and the voices in my head tell me to check his phone and I couldn’t help but pick it up thinking I wouldn’t find anything so what’s the harm and in directly I didn’t find anything over the top incriminating.

He says he went to band on Sunday and then I check his phone look at his messages and find that he went to Sian’s house for dinner know if he had told me about it I admit I wouldn’t be over the moon but I wouldn’t have stopped him, id have let him go but he lied to me why its pointless he knows I always find out in the end. What you have to remember about this was when they first started chatting a few months ago I found out they were exchanging flirty messages and I found pictures of his cock on his phone which he admit he sent to know one after I went berserk I calmed down and let it slide thinking I was over reacting, so in some ways I can understand why he would be wary of telling me but I hate it when he lies I find it hard to trust him when he does that its like we take ten steps backwards and I don’t know what to think.

He knows I find it hard to trust people because of everything that goes through my head I hate this, I was going to bring it up to him tonight after dinner but I thought twice about it I don’t want to fight and he will only be mad about me going through his phone and at the moment I just don’t have the head for that right now not with the way my head is at the moment. But that’s not all I also read that he was suppose to go to hers on Monday to help with a presentation did he go he didn’t call to say he was coming home until eleven thirty pm instead of the usual ten to ten thirty my head is going over time right now I’m scared this is the start of something, I’m scared he’s going to keep telling me one thing and do something else just to see her how this far? I’m not sure if I’m over reacting but it hurt me deep.

I honestly thought we were over this type of shit were suppose to be wedding planning after Christmas and now I feel like I cant trust him great fucking stuff nothing is ever simple in my world but i also don't want to over react and i know if i mention it too him he will just turn the tables and make out I'm over reacting and then i'll feel mad and depressed about it whats a women to do. On another note, I also tried to cut my fingers off Monday night because the voices told me too, it frightened me I haven’t tried to do those things in a while I thought I was stronger than that but I’m not, I’m still as weak as ever, luckily enough I didn’t do any harm to myself just a few cuts which are now pretty much gone thank goodness I didn’t want scares to go on my holiday.

I think I should probably leave this as it is now and see how my head is I need time to process all of this to make sense of it because I don’t want to go head first into this with him and have a huge disagreement with him.

Blessed be….

LIFE AMAZES ME ....

The world amazes me in all the years I've been around i have thought I've been though so much nothing will amaze me but i was wrong...

Michael has been so loving lately and i must admit I'm loving it so much he's been cuddly and sweet which makes him even more sexier to me. When he's like this it makes me feel special and makes me want to do things it picks me up from the slump that I'm currently in and he doesn't need to bitch and moan as much because when I'm feeling good I'm wanting to make an effort with things in general. I have so much i want to blog about but I'm not sure how i want this blog to go i could blog about mine and Jasons sexual encounter the other night which was amazing by the way wasn't sex but it was still passionate and amazing but I'm not sure i want to share such intimate details with the world again i don't want it to be a sex blog again i don't think.

At the same time i don't want my blog to get to boring, anyway were off to north wales tomorrow to see Jasons family I'm looking forward to seeing them its been a year and i must admit I've missed them they are stars so caring and loving i must admit i prefer them over my family any day.

There the type of family you'd be proud to introduce to people unlike mine where i wish i could just hide them away there so embarrassing and not on a normal scare i mean I'm sure they go out of there was to embarrass me its terrible.

Ive been having problems via the dog for months now he's been tolieting in the house and its getting beyond a joke he now sleeps in the kitchen but he's even doing it in there granted not as much as he was doing it out on the carpet but still he just doesn't come up and ask to go out anymore i take him for walks or let him out regularly and he comes in and toilets in the house I'm at my wits end with it all and his aggressive behaviour towards other dogs are getting worse, I've tried everything from self help books to trainers and behaviourists and nothing no one can get any idea whats wrong with him as he's so unpredictable you don't know when he will strike and when he won't.

As for life lets just say its looking up although the voices are playing up of late my head is spinning with it and my concentration is far from where it should be which is a shame as i was doing so well but as Jason would say there is always going to be ups and downs, highs and lows. But its so frustrating i just want to be normal i don't always wanna take medication to get me through the day but it looks like thats just whats going to be like at the moment i can't seem to shift my blues, the voices are back to telling me to do stupid things like cutting myself thoughts i don't want to think this way I'm worried incase i do go through with it like before i don't want my children to see anymore of that but its so hard not to listen to them i know it sounds strange but it really takes a lot not to listen and do these things.

I'm hoping our trip tomorrow will help lift my spirits bit that would be nice and i might be able to take my mind off all this shit in my head and on that note it is time for me to go to bed

Good night bloggers and sweet dreams

Blessed be ......

WHY ME ......

Ive read that Cardiff moot are meeting up on the eighth of august I'm gutted as I'm away then but i am looking forward to camping as its time to just chill and spend it as a family which we all need and were going with friends which should be fun but I'm also worried about spending so long in contact with other people I'm not a very social person at the best of times i really have to put effort into it i like them i just hope all goes well never been on holidays with friends before. Were off to gowerton campsite and there bringing there two children who are lovely really looking forward to the children having friends to play with and you never know if it all goes well then we can do it again.

I finally managed to upload pictures of my darling fur babies!!!

 mittens

Duchess

Bailey

Oh i have spent the whole day today cuddled up with my man he was so sweet in his way cuddled me up in his arms kissed me and told me he loved me oh god something about his arms around me that makes him so sexy that or I'm just so sexually frustrated that any sort of touch is turning me on its horrible when there is no release.

He left for band tonight and I've just put the children up to bed and read them stories and sang them songs so hopefully ill have the night to myself until around ten when he gets home. The voices are on a roll tonight saying some of the most hurtful of things saying the reason why Jason "My man" hasn't let with me for over a year is because he's getting it somewhere else and i can't help but believe them which hurts i know he loves me and wouldn't do that but it does make you wonder either that or he just doesn't find me attractive anymore and the voices are just not stopping tonight yay me...